Chris Penn: big heart and even bigger meds

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 15 February 2006
SUBJECT: Big-hearted Chris - he just loved us all too much

Keith

We knew he was all heart but Chris Penn (RIP VIP) just had to take that love too far. And he did so "accidentally" – they've ruled out suicide, although signs did point toward him inflating his own heart with a bicycle pump. But he'll always have that 1996 Volpi Cup – no one but no one can take that away from him:

From various sources: Chris Penn dies of something or other

"There are a lot of ‘what ifs’” says chief coroner.

Reservoir Dogs actor Chris Penn died accidentally from an enlarged heart and the effects of a combination of various medications, according to autopsy and toxicology tests. The Los Angeles coroner's office released a statement late Monday, confirming the reasons behind the shock death of Sean Penn's younger brother in his Santa Monica, California, apartment on January 24. The tests labeled the primary causes of death as "nonspecific cardiomyopathy" (an oversized heart) with the "effects of multiple medication intake."

Chief coroner investigator Craig Harvey says, "There is absolutely no indication that this is anything but an accident. We know he had several prescriptions, including promethazine with codeine, which featured predominantly in his death. We don't know how much he ingested or when. There are a lot of 'what ifs' to be factored in." Chris, 40, starred in hit films Rush Hour, Starsky & Hutch, True Romance and The Funeral, for which he won the Volpi Cup at the 1996 Venice Film Festival.

Nick

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To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 15 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: 24

Nick



In my mind, he was – and always will be – a fat hearted, prescription drug addled wild and crazy acting genius of a man. Remember the "lighter" side of Chris? When he flailed about as the oddly-named Willard Hewitt in Footloose, full of longing for a young Kevin Bacon, following in the footsteps of Urban Cowboy and turning on a whole generation of wannabe cowboy dancers (alongside Rhinestone) as well as paving the way for Brokeback Mountain.


Speaking of Sylvester Stallone and silly names, let's take a moment to reflect on the many, many silly character names he's taken on during his sterling career:

Stud
Jerry Savage
Caddo
Cosmo Carboni
Johnny D. Kovak
Rocky Balboa (admit it, it's a pretty stupid name)
Det. Sgt. Deke DaSilva
Capt. Robert Hatch
John J. Rambo (again, iconic, but stupid name)
Lieutenant Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti (really, they should have put "Marion" in quotes)
Lincoln Hawk
Raymond 'Ray' Tango
Jim Ramroc/Jim Rainbo
Angelo 'Snaps' Provolone
Sgt. Joe Bomowski
Gabe Walker (a personal favourite)
Ray Quick
Judge Joseph Dredd
Robert Rath (Bobbie Rath to his friends?)
Kit Latura

Classy, all the way.

Keith

•••

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 15 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Big-hearted Chris - he just loved us all too much

Keith

You know. If you were called “Marion”, you'd ask people to call you Cobra, wouldn't you. And in honour of Buddhist tough guys everywhere, here are some of the fine names that Sir Steven Seagal (Ret'd) has assayed in his career:

Cock Puncher (I shit you not)
Jonathan Cold
Harlan Banks
Travis Hunter
Prof. Robert Burns (he's been cold, now he burns)
Jonathan Cold (now he's cold again)
Sasha Petrochivich (and he looks Russian)
Frank Glass (it was his Gary Numan phase)
Orin Boyd
Dr. Wesley McClaren (another film, another lofty title)
Lt. Colonel Austin Travis (yet another lofty title)
Forrest Taft (he borrowed this from Chuck Norris)
Casey Ryback
Detective Gino Felino (all action hero's names should rhyme)
Mason Storm (thanks for this)
Nico Toscani

Nick

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To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 15 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Big-hearted Chris - he just loved us all too much

Nick

In both cases, there are a disturbing number of descriptors pretending to be names:

Cold, Burns, Banks, Glass, Taft (not sure why, but I'm sure this describes something about Segal, ie "He's such a fucking taft", heard moments before the speaker is knocked on his ass), Ryback (again, see Taft), Storm and, of course, Felino, which sounds filthy no matter how you say it.

Same for Stallone: Savage, Hatch, Hawk, Ramroc/Rainbo (both implying the same thing, really...), Bomowski (see Ramroc/Rainbo), Gabe Walker (if you say if fast enough and can figure out what a "Bwalker" is), Quick, Dredd and Rath.

Action heroes need active names. Nicolas Cage never understood this: he played Cameron Poe in Con Air and Dr. Stanley Goodspeed in The Rock. This is why his action career never really took off. Which is surprising for a man named "Nick Cage", really.

Keith

•••

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 15 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Big-hearted Chris - he just loved us all too much

Keith

The same goes for John Travolta. His action names just weren't active enough – Vic Deakins (Broken Arrow) and Sean Archer (Face Off). They're names that just don't put in the required action ethic. Vic Deakins is a milkman with a drink problem and Sean Archer works in a bank, although he does has a slight problem with his boss.

Shame really, Travolta only really gets into his parts if he has an Italian surname or if his part relates to Scientology, like Terl in Battlefield Earth.

Nick

•••

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 15 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Big-hearted Chris - he just loved us all too much

Nick

Arnold Schwarzenneger, the God of all Action Films, takes the name thing to new levels:

White Wolf (Dr. Dolittle 2)
Jericho Cane
U.S. Marshal John 'The Eraser' Kruger
Harry Tasker
Jack Slater
Douglas Quaid/Hauser
Capt. Ivan Danko
Major Alan 'Dutch' Schaeffer
Mark Kaminsky
John Matrix
Kalidor
The Terminator
Conan
Joe Santo
Rico
And of course, Hercules (credited appropriately enough as “Arnold Strong”)

Any one of the above could kick Segal, Cage or Stallone all over the playground without breaking a sweat.

And as you’d expect, his shite films have shite character names.

Ben Richards – The Running Man (1987)
Julius Benedict – Twins (1988)
Detective John Kimble Kindergarten Cop (1990)
Dr. Alex Hesse – Junior (1994)
Adam Gibson_ – The 6th Day (2000) ....
Gordy Brewer – Collateral Damage (2002)
Prince Hapi – Around the World in 80 Days (2004) .

It’s like science my friend, and you can’t argue with science. Just ask the shampoo commercials.

Keith

•••

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 15 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Big-hearted Chris - he just loved us all too much

Keith

Arnie certainly does indeed up the ante, but a classy outsider in the action names are cool stakes is Mr Wesley "The Daywalker" Snipes.

The great thing about Wes, apart from starring in straight to video garbage with Tasmin Outhwaite is that either he so hard they just give him one name (Blade, Lucky, Painter) or they give him a first name no-one on earth ever possessed - E., Sonni, Obike, Noxeema, Roemello, Flipper and Shadow.

And twice, he was so hard that they gave him three names.

Bo Monroe
Lucky
Sonni Griffith
Painter
Jack Tuliver
E. Lorenz
Dean Cage
Monroe Hutchens
Franklin Swift
Obike Fixx
Blade/Eric Brooks/'The Daywalker'
Mark J. Sheridan/Warren/Roberts
Max Carlyle
Det. Harlan Regis
Noxeema Jackson
Roemello Skuggs
Simon Phoenix
Lt. Web Smith
Jimmy Mercer
John Cutter
Flipper Purify
Nino Brown
Shadow Henderson
Willie Mays Hayes

Nick

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To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 15 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Big-hearted Chris - he just loved us all too much

Nick

No wonder he worked with Tamsin Outhwaite: in EastEnders she played "Melanie Healy/Beale/Owen".

Hard. As. Fuck.

Keith

•••

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 15 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Big-hearted Chris - he just loved us all too much

Keith

So, to summarise, to get your own ideal action name – choose as follows:

• First: A military or police prefix (for example) Lieutenant.
• Second: A one syllable American name (for example) Tex.
• Third: A nickname – could be a tough animal, a tough aspect of weather, or just a tough letter. For example, Leopard; Thunder or Z.
• Finally: Surname can be either pseudo-Italian and two syllables; a synonym for tough or something that sounds like a synonym for “tough”; or a foreign word (German or Dutch only) + suffix -er - for example: Rubbio, Savager or Gestalt+er.

So: Colonel Jack "Icestorm" Wasser/ Captain Ray R.Rosto / or Detective Lou "Panther" Rawls would do nicely.

See, I bet you never thought of Lou Rawls as an action star.

Nick