Excerpts from an ongoing email exchange between the deadly bored on film, TV, celebrity and beyond.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

F**k the OC and follow the AC

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 28 March 2006
SUBJECT: Nuts? Zoo? FHM? It’s all just used tissue


I didn’t get round to mentioning this more recently but I noticed this and thought I had to say something. This is the podcast equivalent of finding a handful of soiled tissues and several torn pages from Escort, Razzle or
Asian Babes in a bush. Read on about the latest sex podcast phenomenon.

"The musings of a sex-obsessed student have become one of the web's most popular downloads," says the Independent. An anonymous London student, who goes by the name of Faceless calls Kiss100FM DJ Bam Bam, leaving voicemail messages disguised with a voice synthesiser then broadcast daily at 7.45am.

So is this younger, hornier Bridget Jones for real? We'd like to think so. If only to reassure us that there are girls out there who would pay us £50 to have sex four times in one night, and consider girl-on-girl shenanigans into the bargain.

More likely, here’s the truth…

First she calls Kiss FM, which makes her a) a moron b) a moron with no taste c) someone with a very small radio d) a journalist .

Then “She” goes on to "disguise" her voice, probably because she is a 25 year old man wanking furiously as he reads the letters page of Forum.

Finally, “she's considering girl-on-girl” – but not actually doing it. This is just another way for people who are too scared or have no imagination to get their hands on some decent porn.



To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 28 March 2006
SUBJECT: Nuts? Zoo? FHM? It’s all just used tissue


That’s right Mr Angry Angry Pants, get it all out there and smear it all over the glass walls of your cage, just like our favourite (now sadly deceased) shit-smearing gorilla in Barcelona Zoo, Snowflake. But without the actual faeces. Or singing ability.

There’s a book out of France that does the exact same thing as that podcast (young highly sexed young thing writes about what she’s done or wants to do etc, etc) and, in fact, anonymous illicitness has a long reputable history.

So in a way, this KISS FM contemporary slattern is like a latter-day Anais Nin.

Seeing as you are so vitriolic, here are the titles of some anal cunt songs to cheer you up.

"Limp Bizkit Think They're Black, But They're JustGay".
"All Our Fans Are Gay".
"I Sold Your Dog to a Chinese Restaurant".
"You Robbed a Sperm Bank Because You're a Cum Guzzling Fag".
"I Snuck a Retard in to a Sperm Bank".
"I Lit Your Baby on Fire".
"I sent concentration camp footage to America's Funniest Home Videos".
"I Became a Counselor So I Could Tell Rape Victims They Asked For It" .
"Van Full of Retards".
"Your Kid Committed Suicide Because You Suck".



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