Excerpts from an ongoing email exchange between the deadly bored on film, TV, celebrity and beyond.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Stomping on Disney's Neck

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 15 March 2006
SUBJECT: Gay bikers on acid


I want to be in the courtroom when the Hell’s Angels take on Disney:

“The Hells Angels Motorcycle Corporation alleges in its suit that the Walt Disney Motion Picture Group never got its approval for the use of its trademark, and that the studio has repeatedly exploited the club's name and logo – the distinctive helmeted and feathered skull – in its publicity material for [forthcoming film] Wild Hogs.”

I have questions for all parties:

1.By “trademarked”, do they actually mean “Stop using our shit or we'll stomp on your neck”?

2. Does Mickey wear leathers?

3. The film is set to star John Travolta (along with Tim Allen and Martin Lawrence) – does this mean the Scientologists will be drawn into the case? And if so, should Isaac Hayes be consulted first?

4. Will this case be retroactive? And does it apply to all Disney-related motorcycling activity?

5. Does Nicolas Cage know about this?

6. Better still, will Elmer Fudd and/or Bugs Bunny be subpoenaed for illegal use of helmets?



To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 15 March 2006
SUBJECT: Gay bikers on acid


All I know is, if this guy shows up, it’ll be the most compelling use of leather in a courtroom setting since OJ slipped on that too-tight glove.

(All hail Hard Gay, the funniest act in the world! Just dress up as a gay leather cabaret act and prance around saying “Fuuuuuuuu” and “Sei sei sei!” Genius, Pure Japanese genius.)

And the Hell's Angels should sue Disney for that cast alone – a troika of commercial and artistic poison. Between the three of them they have made or are making 106 films and TV shows – now, out of those 106, at a rough estimate they've made about 20 box office hits.

As for critical successes: Travolta has around 7 (and I'm including Kotter); Allen 3 (and I'm not including Home Improvement) and Lawrence a big round 0. Plus this films sounds little more than a middle-aged remake of Harley Davidson and The Marlboro Man.

Allen may be able to use his “connections” to pacify the situation with the biker hordes but I doubt it. This trio of scientologist; coke dealing laughter vacuum and cheap as chips Charlie Murphy stand-in should never be allowed in the same film together – indeed it could cause the end of civilisation.

But what is even sadder is that the Hell's Angels didn't just storm the Disney Offices and piss all over whichever shit-eater is in charge now. That's revenge.

And what has the world come to when bikers have lawyers?



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