Nicolas Cage in Cage-fighting drama

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 23 February 2006
SUBJECT: Hurtle the turtle

Nick


From Wired.com: "Earth Hurtles Toward 6.5 Billion"

Does this mean the earth moving faster and that this increased speed is causing some sort of population explosion? Or are there 6.5 billion somethings in the planet's way and we're about to smash into them? And if so, is anybody doing anything about them??? What would Nicolas Cage do? (Say it with me: Nic-o-las Cage... kinda rolls off the tongue, donit?)

I am hurtling toward anger.

Keith

•••

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 23 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Hurtle the turtle

Keith

The missing words at the end of that headline are “...versions of Light My Fire”, as in: “Earth hurtles towards 6.5 Billion versions of Light My Fire”.

Indeed, it is estimated that by 2052, every earthling (as we are known in closed laboratories at midnight) will have done at least two covers of this record – one vocal and one instrumental.

Glad I could clear that up for you.

Nick

PS: Nic-o-las Caaaaaaage. Yeah, nice.

•••

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 23 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Hurtle the turtle

Nick

I’ll tell you what Nicolas Cage would do: he’d make a movie version of this story, about a big blob of oozing goo terrorising the good people of LA, starring himself, Nicolas Cage, and Chevy Chase as his hard-done-by Mexican sidekick. With a special appearance by Naomi Watts’ nipples. In silky gauze.

Oh, wait, it's been done.

Twice.

No wait... soon-to-be thrice.

That won’t stop us of course. It didn't stop the latest remake of The Fog.

This story also has horror film all over it: “Mutant Chicken Grows Alligatorlike Teeth”.

Just look at some of the juicy lines from the article:

- "Working late in the developmental biology lab one night"
- "the beak of a mutant chicken embryo he was examining had fallen off"
- "chickens retain the ability to grow teeth"
- "The mutant chickens Harris studied bear a recessive trait"
- "They don't make a molar."
- "Previous efforts to produce teeth in chickens..." (this has been some sort of ongoing experiment???)
- "Harris proved this by engineering a virus to mimic the molecular signals of the mutation and caused normal chickens to briefly develop teeth that were then reabsorbed into the beak."

Starring Nicolas Cage as develop-mental biologist, Matthew Harris.

Nicolas Cage has made two films in quick succession called The Weather Man and The Wicker Man and neither of them is a super hero. I think the Wicker Man would be a great hero. Fighting crime with his basket weaving powers.

Keith

•••

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 23 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Hurtle the turtle

Keith

Nicolas Cage is by far the greatest human ever to walk the earth, so if we do need another hero, it should be called Nicolas Cage Man and star Nicolas Cage as a crime fighting Nicolas Cage using his cage fighting powers.

Anyway, the Blob article contains very dubious use of the English language, much weirdness and some great street names – we should research some equally great street names, but only if they’re really rude like Labia Avenue or Cuntflaps Corner or Shitty Minge Crescent or Liketolickapussy Boulevard. But not Butt Road – we don’t give a shit about Butt Road.

The article describes a black tarry substance, which was unidentified more than 24 hours (that’d be slightly over a day then) after it erupted at Olive Street and Pico Boulevard – I’d love to live between Olive St and Pico Boulevard – it sounds so piquant there. Like a spicy side dish.

The officer in question goes on to say there might be "a correlation'' with a petroleum company drilling operation nearby. A correlation – hmm, black tarry substance? Petroleum drilling operation? Could there be a connection???
And his name was Capt. Ernie Bobadilla. (I wish my name was Bobadilla - like Godzilla's donut-eating cop sibling.

Then he says two random sentences that show how scared he is:

- “We're looking to I.D. the scope of the problem”
- “This problem is not a simple fix”

That’s when Nicolas Cage Man would swoop in and save the day, with his Cage Grip and Toupee Powers.

Nick

•••

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 23 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Hurtle the turtle

Nick

And best of all, I have just realised that I've been on Pico Blvd. It's a dump. The black tarry substance may well be the decaying bodies of the homeless rising up at long last from the grave to fight against the inherent innjustices of LA. Only to be fought into submission by Grave McBrody, Zombie Zombie Hunter.

Great idea for a film. A Zombie Zombie Hunter. Like Blade, only a zombie fighting fellow zombies while fighting a deep-seeded hunger for braaaaaaaaains. Don’t no-one touch that idea. That means you, Michael Bay.

Keith

•••

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 23 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Hurtle the turtle

Keith

Good call. Get on the phone to Nic Cage’s agent. Or is it Nicolas. I guess it’s Nicolas, seeing as he’s all serious now – what with Ghost Rider coming out. Well, not coming out. It’s not going to be Brokeback Ghost Rider – ANOTHER FUCKING GREAT IDEA FOR A FILM. Don’t no-one touch that idea. That means you, Michael Bay.

Nicolas