George Kennedy in hot love action

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 2 March 2006
SUBJECT: I am Sir Ben Kingsley, hear me roar, SIR SIR SIR

Keith

This week has seen the release of seven, count ‘em, seven new films, neither you nor I will go to see but that won’t stop me reviewing them – in a segment I like to call Blind Judgement or “We don’t see them so you don’t have to either”. This week’s offerings are:

The Fog
Hopefully it will engulf the screen and conceal the fact that this is yet another remake of an altogether pointless film. Stars blonde Lost girl

Lucky Number Slevin
If that title wasn't bad enough, then having SIR Ben Kingsley pompously using his title on the poster should be enough to put you off.

Matador
No bullfighting and no Banderas. Just Pierce Brosnan and, Greg "Yes, I still have a career despite having no discernible talent" Kinnear arguing about stuff.

Wild Country
Another in the over-stuffed genre of Scottish werewolf films. Features Glaswegians turning nasty after dark and viciously murdering each other. A normal night out then.

Capote
Philip Seymour Hoffman is great, apparently. PSH and Tom "Straight" Cruise are in M:I3. Why does Mission:Impossible 3 have a colon in the middle?

Seven Swords
Not Magnificent. Not Lucky Number. Not Brides. Not Brothers. Bearded old Chinese slice and dice each other in mid-air (probably) in the name of art.

Date Movie
My mum always says – re-enacting scenes from other movies, the occasional fart gag, cum references and the ginge from Buffy do not a laugh raise.

Nick

•••

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 2 March
SUBJECT: Re: I am Sir Ben Kingsley, hear me roar, SIR SIR SIR

Nick

Now I can talk about them without ever seeing them, just like the big ginge from Ain’t It Cool News and Kevin Smith.

And here are some other things no-one needs to see. I was listening to a live set by The Go! Team on a KCRW Morning Becomes Eclectic podcast yesterday and they were shite. Now I like the Go! team album just fine, so it got me thinking: I’ve seen a lot of good bands that were truly shite/annoying/disappointing live:


The Go! Team
The Research (supporting The Go! Team - a painful gig all round)
Franz Ferdinand (supporting Belle & Sebastian)
Belle & Sebastian (just the once, but so bad even Stuart admitted he wasn’t feeling it, which is something for a lead singer to admit)
The Sleepy Jackson (I walked out, it was so bad)
Sons and Daughters
Broadcast (supporting B&S - though I don’t rate them at all regardless)
Art Brut (god fucking awful)
Flaming Lips (not so much the band, but the fact that they did exactly the same live set as I’d seen them do on MTV, including “spontaneous” chat by Wayne Coyne)
Beta Band
Smashing Pumpkins

There should be some sort of punishment, really. Like making them watch the Winter Olympics.

Keith

•••

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 2 March 2006
SUBJECT: Re: I am Sir Ben Kingsley, hear me roar, SIR SIR SIR

Keith

Speaking of snowy pastimes, I recently received this missive in my inbox: “Can you do better than our Winter Olympians?”

The answer is Yes. Our winter Olympians won one silver medal. That's all of them doing all snow-based activities.

I have won no medals by sitting on my fat arse. This puts me bottom of the medal table but only a couple of places behind Team GB. However, in energy-to-reward terms, I am fucking miles ahead.

Nick: Done nothing, got nothing.
Team GB: Done loads of snow and ice stuff, got one solitary silver medal.

Nick wins.

I also worry that someone somewhere may actually have watched the Winter Olympics. I doubt it but you never know. Maybe they tuned in, thought they were watching the Eiger Sanction, ready for George Kennedy to pull himself up a mountain, and found themselves watching some North Korean dissident doing the splits in a ra-ra skirt. That's not George Kennedy, they screamed. But by then the disappointment was too great.

Nick

•••

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 2 March 2006
SUBJECT: Re: I am Sir Ben Kingsley, hear me roar, SIR SIR SIR

Nick

OK, but will they be wearing the latest line in fashion, Nigga wear? Think I'm kidding? Think again.

Keith