Excerpts from an ongoing email exchange between the deadly bored on film, TV, celebrity and beyond.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Ram it in ur blind eyes

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 20 February 2006
SUBJECT: Tightly packed, with serious bladder control

To Nick

Ola chiquita

It's mean and cruel I know, but this, from www.commontimes.org last week, makes me giggle: Girl's prosthetic leg stolen — twice. (The story is here if you want to know the ridiculous details)

Anyway, how's you this fine morning? Did I mention that we went for dinner last week and petite Scottish motorcycle-loving thespian Ewan McGregor was sitting two tables over from us? He never went to the toilet once. In over three hours. The man has a bladder of steel. He's like a freaking camel. And, as with all of the Famous, he is a much smaller person than you think. I suspect you might even refer to him as “childlike” if you saw him.




To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 20 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Tightly packed, with serious bladder control

Howdy good buddy

As for the girl's prosthetic leg, well once is an accident, twice is stupid, she should be banned from owning limbs of any kind – real or fake. Limb-losing wastrel.

As for Ewan, well, he's a short, no bladder camel, and a Michael Bay-loving freak. But he likes his fish.

On the IMDB message board, he is referred to as “one the finest actors of our time”. To the person who wrote this, I offer the following incontrovertible evidence to the contrary:

The Island: Lincoln Six Echo/Tom Lincoln
Star Wars: Episodes I-III: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Valiant (voice): Valiant
Robots (voice): Rodney Copperbottom
Big Fish: Ed Bloom (Young)
Young Adam: Joe Taylor
Down with Love: Catcher Block
Solid Geometry: Phil
Black Hawk Down: Spec. John Grimes
Moulin Rouge!: Christian
Nora: James Joyce
Anno Domini: The Stranger
Eye of the Beholder: Stephen Wilson
Rogue Trader: Nick Leeson
Little Voice: Billy
Velvet Goldmine: Curt Wild
Desserts: Stroller
A Life Less Ordinary: Robert Lewis
The Serpent's Kiss
Nightwatch: Martin Bells
Brassed Off: Andy
Emma: Frank Churchill
The Pillow Book: Jerome
Blue Juice: Dean Raymond
Being Human: Alvarez

Yes, it's simply a list of all Ewan's films (and the characters he's played) to date with the exception of Trainspotting and Shallow Grave. I think this list backs up my argument that he is not in fact the world's the finest actor but a hack who makes nothing but poor adaptions of literary classics that no one watches; musicals that no one watches; "gritty" British drams that no one watches; and blockbusters that either no one watches or ridicule forever more. And some of character's names certainly don't stand up to much scrutiny – Obi WANK eNOBi; Catcher Block (euphemism for sexual disease - as in "I slept with a Thai ladyboy last night, now I think I've got a bad case of Blatcher Cock); Martin Bells (no one is called Bells); and Alvarez (only Philip Seymour Hoffman is less Latin American than Ewan).

And finally: the truth about the Beatles, revealed at long last.

And that's me, more later.



To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 20 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Tightly packed, with serious bladder control


Ewan is indeed wank-esque, but I kinda liked his motorcycle trip TV show thing around the world, if only because I spent the whole time hoping to see him drive into the ocean and come out the other side, smiling that mile-wide wank smile of his, all his teeth filled with seaweed and dolphin bits (they get fucking everywhere).

In other news, we also saw Mick Fleetwood before we went dinner last week, sitting with someone in a nearby crappy cafe. At least, I think it was him (quite big and tall, bald with long-ish gray hair, wearing a hat, rumbling mellifluous voice, tendency to stand on one leg). No-one else cared. Probably because he's now only known for "Albatross", the track being used in the M&S "God aren't our products fucking sexy" ads (eg "This isn't just a pile of shitty chocolates leftover from Valentine's, this is hand-picked from the trash, couldn't sell it if we wanted to, truly over-priced M&S shite on a stick.")

And that freak is obviously 100% right about the Beatles, but I was disturbed that he missed out on a couple of very significant points. First, he didn't mention George's foray into Satan's underwear when he signed up with the Travelling Wilbury's. Obviously, the author doesn't realise that Jeff Lynne is the devil himself. This will be confirmed when all the other Wilbury's are dead (two down, two more to go) and Lynne rises up like a big fiery phoenix, taking us all out with his flaming 'fro.

Second, he never mentions Ringo Starr. I mean, look at him, ferfuckssake. He looks like something squeezed out of Satan's ass. Unless the author of the website IS RINGO!

And not to be pedantic, but I'm fairly sure the UK has never had a "King Enrique VIII". But I may be wrong. I'm foreign, you know.

Despite my being in full agreement with the High Court that the Beatles were and are devil's spawn, please tell me you wrote this witty riposte to the essay writer:

“Whoever wrote this article should crawl up in a ball and die. I can not describe how angry this article made me. The beatles did all they could to help people with there music, all of which is amazingly well constucted, being a guitarist myself i should know. And as for the comments on England and Liverpool in particular, my family is from liverpool and are the greatest people in my life. You are a disgrace to mankind and I would love to print off the article, set it alight and ram it into ur blind eyes."

Get back, good buddy



To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 20 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Tightly packed, with serious bladder control


If only Simple Mind's lead singer had called his son Ewan. Ah, Ewan Kerr, it could have happened.

And if Mick fuckin Fleetwood was drinking in a crappy cafe, then believe me, people would care. A lot. What you saw was that bloke from The Hills have Eyes (currently a very successful referee) masquerading as Mick Fleetwood and trying to get royalties for the the M&S "God aren't our products fucking sexy" ads

("This isn't just a bag of sand, this is hand-picked granulated thigh woven calcitate silica from the from the temples of Atlantis - DON'T EVEN LOOK AT IT, POOR PEOPLE. It's the sexiest, horniest, dirtiest, more luxurious bag of sand in the world. It's so fabulous, M and S won't even call it a bag of sand - we'll just call it sacco de silica magnifica)

"King Enrique VIII replaced King Henry VIII for a season in the 17 century, when the English were crying out for a foreign king, however Enrique ballsed up everything by having loads of affairs and marrying an Italian man. Henry stepped back up, beheaded Enrique and passed a decree that any mention of his name in thought, deed, action or term would be punishable by anal rape. He has never been mentioned except within
prison walls. (Source: AJPQ Taylor - A history of Britain)

Ram it in ur blind eyes.



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