If Tom Cruise isn't getting one, I won't watch

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 21 February 2006
SUBJECT: BUFTA

Keith

As we stroll through another life-battering day, culturally commentating on the world around us, we come upon... The BAFTAs. And what do we find? A barren wasteland:

Best Film: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Is it really the best film? Are we really so un-evolved that a love story between two cowboys is the most talked about film of the year? Is gay love really that unusual? If I wrote a short story (20 pages) about the love between an African-American plumber and a Klan grand wizard, could they stretch that to three hours of lingering glances and grunting man love? (And I've even chucked in a racial angle, for the Crash "Best Original Screenplay" crowd.)

Best Actor: PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, CAPOTE
Probably, but who in this country has seen it? Did they guess that he was really good?

Best Actress: REESE WITHERSPOON, WALK THE LINE
I agree with this one, but she should have the award taken away for Sweet Home Alabama and Legally Blonde 2. Oh and for neither looking like nor sounding like June Carter.

Best Director (David Lean Award): ANG LEE, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
OK, but he should really have got it for the Hulk. A proper film about a man's struggle with his sexuality.

Best Supporting Actor: JAKE GYLLENHAAL, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Because he supported another actor’s penis? With his ass?

Best Adapted Screenplay: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
I suppose it's a feat to adapt 20 pages into three hours.

Special Achievement By Debut British Director/ Producer/ Writer: JOE WRIGHT (DIRECTOR), PRIDE & PREJUDICE
That must have been a hard job. Watch the BBC version, cut it down and then refilm the scenes.

Cinematography: MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
The dull but pretty award for films that feature trees and rain goes to the American film by the American writer with the American director starring Chinese, Taiwanese and Malaysian people all speaking English in a film about JAPAN. But it was pretty and it rained a lot.

Editing:THE CONSTANT GARDENER
He's constantly gardening, but there are edits. How can you edit someone who's constantly doing something?

Make-Up And Hair: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE Combing a lion's mane is a bitch - so well deserved.

Production Design: HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE
The award that isn't cinematography, isn't special effects, isn't costumes, isn't editing, isn't sound, isn't acting, isn't music, isn't hair and make-up and isn't script. What is this? Best mise-en-fucking-scene or something? Oh it's the We-Have-to-Give-Harry-Potter something because it's a – deep breath – successful British Franchise that isn't James Bond. And it's not even fucking British.

Achievement In Special Visual Effects: KING KONG
For $300,000,000 dollars, you'd expect more than outtakes from Jurassic Park, Mighty Joe Young and Cannibal Ferox. And they didn't even use Naomi Watt's nipples, the best visual effect of all and free. Three hours of those and some chimps dancing and we'd all be happy.

Nick

•••

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 21 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: BUFTAs

Nick

And it has to be said:

Best Film: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Not about gay cowboys. It’s about gay shepherds who moonlight as gay rodeo riders, gay farm equipment salesmen and gay roadwork crews during the off season. Throw in Indian Chief and Policeman and you’ve got Brokeback Village People Mountain.

Achievement In Special Visual Effects: KING KONG
I should hope so. They made a gigantic ape go SKATING ferfuckssake. If that isn’t an achievement in special visual effects, I do not know what is.

Keith