Excerpts from an ongoing email exchange between the deadly bored on film, TV, celebrity and beyond.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Most Overrated Films EVAR

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 12 May 2006
SUBJECT: Leh me innadooce you to ma lil fren


I would like to discuss the most overrated films in history reviewed in ten point chunks by you and I.

And I shall start with Scarface:

1. No film in history has dated as badly as Scarface. It seems as if all the costumes, music, words, phrases, signs, architecture in the film were in fashion for a the length of the shoot and were then placed in a time capsule, never to be seen again ever. If you watch it now, it looks like it was made on another planet in the future.

2. The worst soundtrack, bar none, in cinema history.

3. It also features the worst montage ever. In a three hour plus film, the only interesting sequence of Montana's life - his rise to power - is reduced to a five-minute montage set to soft-rock pumpery of "Take it to Limit" because, audience, if you didn't realise - he's taking it to the limit.

4. Pacino's accent. There is not a single Cuban on planet earth who speaks like that. Not even his CUBAN best friend.

5. Pacino's acting. SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT. Wave my arms. Grimace. slump. SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT.

6. Oliver Stone's dialogue:
- Say allo to my Leel Fend.
- You ged da mony, you ged da powa, den you ged da
- U no wad capialism is. Getting fucked!

The list of clunkers is unbelievable. What makes it worse is that each and every line is quoted by goofy pretend tough guys like it's the genuine word of Buddha.

7. The length: It makes Lord of the Rings feel like a Bill Plimpton short. It just goes on and on and on and on. I feel like I'm actually still watching it and I started in 1983.

8. Brian De Palma – a man who has managed to make exactly half a good film (“Carrie”). Long dull track shots, crane shots and copying scenes from infinitely better films don't make up for the fact that you have no idea how to tell a story.

9. All the Cuban parts are played by Italian-Americans. Cubans don't look like Italian Americans (see Buena Vista Social Club or Castro).

10. Launched the screen-printing industry, killed hip-hop, turned Pacino from a credible actor into a self-parody, ignited the career of Oliver “Blood out of a” Stone, continues to be quoted by every lunkhead would-be gangbanger in a tricked out Ford Escort who believes that Montana is some kind of folk hero – cunts.

It's an objectionable piece of self-satisfied, poorly-made, badly-directed, self-important, misjudged crap I've ever had the misfortune to watch ... about 400 times.

This is the problem, I'm utterly addicted to it – the only film in my extensive collection that I have on video, laserdisc and DVD. It's just mesmerisingly terrible. Help me.

Now it's your turn.


To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 12 May 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Leh me innadooce you to ma lil fren


A controversial one for you: Donnie Darko.

1. The ending sucked.

2. Bad DVD: The whole time travel premise was ruined with deleted scenes and commentary on DVD, where writer director Richard Kelly spilled the beans on it by claiming God and the various drugs Donnie was taking/not taking were behind it all. And the circular argument of the beginning being the ending and time eating its own tail fails on all counts because he was already at the end of the time loop at the start of the film and the engine should have fallen through both at the beginning and the end, and by his girlfriend/not girlfriend waving at his mom after he dies/doesn’t die. Like a script written by a 14 year old boy, who spent too much time reading Ray Bradbury and misunderstanding the importance of twist endings.

3. Jake Gyllenhaal: not nearly as good an actor as everyone wants him to be (he has one "look" – the blank stare, usually facing to his right - see below - which he repeated in The Good Girl, Jarhead, The Day After Tomorrow, Brokeback Mountain and every other film he's appeared in), but could have been waaay better in this than he was. Spent the whole time playing a sullen teenager when he actually looked 35. Made his scenes with teenage actors going to school look creepy.

4. Lack of the Swayze: Potential greatness of Patrick Swayze as sleazeball ruined by his lack of screen time. Should have made a film called “Jim Cunningham” featuring nothing but him, alternating between his informercials from the film and shaky handheld shots of him stalking playgrounds.

5. Blatent character theft: They stole the big "invisible" rabbit friend idea from “Harvey”, which is a great film, and that's unforgivable.

6. Director’s Cut: The one good thing about the film – its soundtrack – is tarnished by the fact that the director's cut apparently doesn't use Echo & The Bunnymen as the opening song and replaces it with "Never Tear Us Apart" by INXS. Dude – the film's about a big bunny.

7. Actor cum musician cum twat: The guy playing "Frank" aka the dead guy wearing the bunny suit, plays guitar in "Antoneus Maximus & The Nuthouze Band". Which is a good enough reason to hate him.

8. The Importance of Being Earnest: Every single scene is drowning in significance, screaming out "Watch me! I'm Important! Read into me!" Which is hateful because there's nothing worse than being played by a script. Fails miserably where “Usual Suspects” succeded brilliantly.

9. Big bit players: Noah Wyle and Drew Barrymore should never ever play bit parts in anything because they are too well known and are not "cult film" actors and do not qualify in an ironic Patrick Swayze, Robert Blake, Pamela Grier kind of way. This is the same reason John Travolta waited until he did to take on Pulp Fiction and now Hairspray.

10. The ending SUCKED.

That is all. Back to you good buddy.



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