Excerpts from an ongoing email exchange between the deadly bored on film, TV, celebrity and beyond.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

STOP PRESS: Swayze not quite like the wind

Stop The Presses: Patrick Swayze may or may not be throwing up and/or coughing a lot in London - right now!

Having recently been informed (by those shite little ads that run alongside the escalators on the Tube) that Patrick “Hotfeets“ Swayze will be appearing in the London production of Guys and Dolls, we were all set to go balls out crazy in a love-fest for The Swayze, when we find out this: he’s postponing due to a “chest infection”.

Now, not that we’re the gays or anything, but surely one with as mighty a chest as The Swayze could never be taken down by a lowly chest infection. Gun shot? Sure. Aids? OK, maybe. But “chest infection”? Never.

This is the man, remember, who would never let Baby be put in a corner.

This is the man who made sweet, sweet, sloppy pottery love to Semi Moore, before she divorced Bruce Willis, shaved her head, worked out, became a man, changed her mind, bought some boobs and married a man boy to prove once and for all that Bruce Willis wasn’t the one who ended things, dammit.

This is the man who turned a slimy motivational paedophile into a darned lovable character.

So, here’s to Patrick Swayze, with his dazzling smile and lovingly plastic good looks – keep that carefully sculpted chin up, my dancing fool friend. We’re thinking of you. And again not being the gays or anything, we can still imagine that were we the gays, there’s a good chance that at least one of us would not say no to bum sexing the man. If he asked. (So long as we could be the dominant one and if he agreed to let us call him Patricia throughout. Plus he’d have to let his hair grow).

And we ask that anyone out there who spots The Swayze, be it at a local Boots buying up stocks of Vicks Vap-o-Rub or down Piccadilly way, peddling his best Dick Van Dyke impression, give him a pat on the shoulder, ruffle his hair (careful you don’t cut yourself) or just a good old shake of the hand. And when you catch whatever he’s got, you can say” If it’s good enough for The Swayze, dammit, it’s good enough for me.”

Just remember, he looks like this:

Not to be mistaken for this man:


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