Ben Stiller is an Hairy Twat: discuss

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 8 March 2006
SUBJECT: I hate Ben Stiller

Nick

Jesus Big Hairy Fucking Christ. Ben Stiller is remaking the “classic” (read poorly made, unscripted, low quality polyrsterfest made in the 1970s and starring washed up has-beens) TV show, The Persuader. To quote the IMDB messageboards:

“It Was Stooooopid The First Time Around...” – MetalMiike
“Crap” – jonnydaytona
“Sweet Jesus, NO.” – tiamat72

You’d think he would have learned his lesson with Starsky & Hutch, but no. He just goes on and on making the same films to his own set of Dogme-style Stiller Rules:

The Ben Stiller School of Grate Film-makerology

1. Choose obscure-ish profession/hobby/sport/TV show (modelling,
dodgeball, weightlifting, Starsky & Hutch)
2. Write truly awful and mediocre script. Throw in scatological humour, general stupidity and a very poor romantic subplot. Usually involving your wife. Who is funnier than you. But only just.
3. Invite friends (Wilson, Vaughn) and wife to star, with guest appearances from surprising other friends (Robbins, Diaz).
4. Choose a bad wig/hairpiece/haircut/costume. These should be “wacky” enough to distract everyone above the age of four from noticing just how godawful the dialogue and “jokes” are.
5. Phone in role. Make sure to emphasise the bad jokes by staying with them long after they were ever funny (see Airplane! for example of skilled comedic editing)
6. Host award shows to remind colleagues who you are (and who your far more talented parents are) in the hopes that someone will give you a real job.

God I hate Ben Stiller.

Keith

•••

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 8 March 2006
SUBJECT: Re: I hate Ben Stiller

Keith

It’s all a conspiracy to keep Wilsons, Ferrell, Stiller, Robbins and Vaughan on our screens at all times – they don’t actually exist, so having them on screen at all times prevents anyone from noticing that they are in fact virtual constructs of Ben Stiller.

Speaking of paranoid conspiracies, I just read Flicker – the most paranoid geek freak book ever – and I'm beginning to see parallels in regular life. If you look up Screen Gems distribution on IMDB, you'll find that all they produce are vampire and teen movies – these are never screened for critics and always make decent money. And the company’s history goes back as far as 1931, when they were distributing vampire movies and horror and schlock. They then took a 20-year break and now they're back.

I'm telling you there's something very odd about them.

Oh and Flicker is about a secret society of religious loons who use schlocky violent vampire films which critics hate to destroy society in an unspeakable way. Just like Lost.

Not that I’m suggesting that Screen Gems are doing the same thing. But they probably are. Probably.

Nick

•••

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 8 March 2006
SUBJECT: Re: I hate Ben Stiller

Nick

And I've now decided that Lost is a holiday hotspot in the heart of the Bermuda Triangle and that everyone on the island is from different time periods and that explains the time discrepancies (including the massive ship with the dynamite, the anachronistic animals and the illnesses because any fule kno that intersecting timelines obviously cause cancer).

Keith