The unbearable shiteness of Turtleneck Brown and other million-dollar conspiracies.
Sent: 30 May 2006
SUBJECT: Turtleneck or bullethead? A dick by any other name
So, to summarise:
1. The Da Vinci Code is badly written, poorly constructed and generally the worst book I’ve read in a very, very, very long time. Possibly since birth. Nonetheless, Dan “Turtleneck” Brown wins the world over with his irritating prose and bland, non-threatening demeanour. Book sells millions
2. Da Vinci Code includes liberal dash of ideas from Holy Blood and Holy Grail, which while not legally plagiarism, adds nothing to the good clean nut-job fun of the Jesus conspiracy. Books sells even more. Intelligent adults who should know better are browbeaten into buying and reading the thing by their less intelligent, water-cooler obsessed friends. Film rights sold.
3. Da Vinci code is panned by critics at its first screening at Cannes, with some walking out. We include it in our “Most Overrated Films EVAR” list. It continues to make millions at the box office worldwide.
4. Jean Reno and Mona Lisa are clearly separated at birth, and yet this is never mentioned. Film and book continue to earn shedloads.
5. Tom Hanks is a suck bag. People still queue up to see the film
6. Ron Howard can’t make up his mind how many times we should see the film if at all. Some people take him at his word. In theory, cash must now be flooding the offices of the production studio, with producers taking dollar baths and wiping arses with $1000 bills.
Conclusion: You can polish a turd. Or, more specifically, you can find someone else’s turd, like the smell of it and decide to use it to enhance your own turd, then polish the whole thing up, sell it for millions despite consensus that it’s not well written and the turd’s not particularly nice or original (in fact, most are sure they’ve smelled the turd somewhere else), then sell the rights so someone else can film the turd and release it to critical derision and disgust, only to have the public at large line up to smell it all over again.
Dan “Turtleneck” Brown is a suck bag.
Sent: 30 May 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Turtleneck or bullet head? A dick by any other name
Indeed. In fact, we need to learn from this. So here goes: my guide to making a million from bad writing.
1. Construct a non-threatening non-conspiracy theory, based on someone else's work – but make sure that that someone else happens to write for the same publishing house as you. This could be, say, that the Devil existed and was in fact Judas Iscariot. Find random biblical passages to bear this out, then claim that the Devil’s descendants on earth are planning an apocalypse – and only one man knows, but instead of shouting it from the rooftops, he'll only leave a bunch of clues in Edvard Munch paintings.
2. Write book – “The Munch Dilemma”. Describe absolutely everything in really lengthy and boring detail, make your characters horribly one dimensional, use the style of a hyperactive and demented seen year old (eg and then they ran away from the police and then they jumped in a car which was a Smart car which is really small and then they met a lord who was bad and they discovered this by throwing the cyprotgraptographer in the air and Jesus had a wife but maybe he didn't and there was a bad priest but he wasn't so bad because I don't want to offend Catholics too much). Set the whole thing in Asia/Europe/Australia so it's well exotic. Don't do interviews, but wear a brown turtleneck.
3. The Munch Dilemma should include rewritten passages of another book. This will lead to a trumped up court case. Sell film rights while the battle rages.
3. Get dull but solid director and cast to make film. The Munch Dilemma directed by Robert Zemeckis starring Russell Crowe, James Nesbitt, Michelle Pfeiffer, Jean Reno, Lindsay Lohan yawn yawn.... Munch Dilemma is panned by critics at its first screening at Cannes, with some walking out. We include it in our “Most Overrated Films EVAR” list. It continues to make millions at the box office worldwide.
4. Lindsay Lohan and Munch's Scream are clearly separated at birth, and yet this is never mentioned. Film and book continue to earn shedloads.
5. Russell Crowe is a suck bag. People still queue up to see the film
6. Robert Zemeckis (played by Gary Sinise) can’t make up his mind how many times people should see the film before deciding what they think of it. He decides on 25 and a law is enacted that all people over the age of 30 must see the Munch Dilemma 25 times or more. A time machine is built and a sequel is green lit even before the Munch Dilemma is written.
Conclusion: If at first you don't succeed with your shite conspiracy novels, eventually someone will say hang on that book is crap but but but maybe we could build an even bigger conspiracy around it by making it an international phenomenon even though it's FUCKING NONSENSE. So roll on the Munch Dilemma