Excerpts from an ongoing email exchange between the deadly bored on film, TV, celebrity and beyond.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Patrick Swayze and the dichotomy of Mel

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 7 August 2006
SUBJECT: No-one puts Gibby in a corner


As The Gibson™ (Mel, not Debbie) has proven, we all do things we end up regretting. And I’m sure that Mel Gibson’s friends and backers are going to regret making these statements one day (from today’s LA Times):

Hollywood Producer Dean Devlin (Jewish): “It was the disease speaking, not the man."

Hollywood Actress, Producer, Longtime Gibson Friend, Possible Lesbian (Not Jewish), Jodie Foster: "Would I have believed Christian Slater, who is the nicest, gentlest man in the world, would hit a woman? No. Or Downey, you cannot find anyone in the film business who does not love Downey, and look at some of his exploits."

Hollywood Hack and Parasite, Wensley Clarkson (Not Jewish): “He's always fallen off the wagon quite regularly.”

Film Historian David Thomson (Not Jewish). "When he began, he was a widely popular rascal.”

One Hollywood insider (Probably Not Jewish): “That is the dichotomy of Mel.”

Best of all, Hollywood Actor, West End Debuter, Lung Cougher-Upper, Rumoured Plastic Surgery Enthusiast (check the eyes – it’s all in the eyes), Alleged Alcohol Lover, British Press Hater, Dirty Dancer Patrick Swayze (Not Jewish) has added his two pence to The Great Gibson Anti-Semite Alcoholic Raging Sexist Bad Driving Monster Debate, when asked if this marked the end of Gibson’s career: "No way – are you kidding me? A man that talented? You don't put somebody down like that, you can try – they've tried in my world."

I don’t know that that means, but well done The Swayze™ – nice job jumping on those coattails of controversy while your career enjoys some much-needed respite in the West End theatrical gutter.

Remember: no-one puts Gibby in a corner.


Plus, fun Gibson fact: Mel founded his own church in Agoura Hills several years ago. (Not Jewish)


To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 7 August 2006
SUBJECT: Re: No-one puts Gibby in a corner


So, what I have gleaned from the Hollywood Apologist round-up is this:

Dean Devlin still believes alcoholism is a disease, rather a question of will power gone bad. Not only that he believes it's a talking disease.

Jodie Foster is more interesting than I thought she was. Or very very delusional. Wife-beaters, whore-mongers, alcoholics, junkies, Christian – the pinched faced former cinematic teen whore (Taxi Driver was a great film) alleged-lesbo loves ‘em all.

Clarkson and Thomson are nothings, less than nothings.

As for Swayze, he rocks. And I bet he's a bit jealous. Being a sort of straight-to-video gay-dancing version of the great Mel.

And just in case you thought it was only Jews that Mel suspected of being the Secret Controllers of the Universe, let's check out that filmography:

Signs: Mel vs Aliens
We Were Soldiers: Mel vs Vietnamese
What Women Want: Mel vs Women
The Patriot: Mel vs English
Chicken Run: Mel vs Hard working farmers and the English
Lethal Weapon 4: Mel vs Chinese
Conspiracy Theory: Mel vs his own government
Braveheart: Mel vs English and Gays
Forever Young: Mel vs Time itself
Lethal Weapon 3: Mel vs Real estate agents
Lethal Weapon 2: Mel vs South Africans
Lethal Weapon: Mel vs Albinos
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome: Mel vs Tina Turner and midgets
The Bounty: Mel vs the navy
Mad Max 2: Mel vs punks, gays and anarchists
Mad Max: Mel vs Australians
Gallioli: Mel vs Turkey
Leonard Cohen: I'm Your Man Mel vs everyone
Paparazzi: Mel vs photographers
The Passion of the Christ: Mel vs Jews

Oh Mel, is there no one out there you haven't offended?