Johnsons, Johnsons as far as the eye could see

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 19 February 2006
SUBJECT: Martin goes solo

Keith

They give with one hand and then snatch it back with the other. It's bad enough we have to suffer with bird flu, cancer, war, Abu Ghirab, Islamic (funda)mentalists, we also have to put up with this:

Coldplay: 'We're not splitting up'

Could only be made worse by the words "...and The Style Council are reforming"

Nick

•••

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 19 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Martin goes solo

Nick

If it's any consolation, Chris Martin did say at the Brit Awards that 'We won't see you for a very long time.' So at least we'll get a break.

The skinny, poncy, self-important, smug, free trade supporting, celebrity wife impregnating, easy listening songwriting bastard.

And for the record, this is the best Brit Awards story ever (from Wikipedia): "In 1992, dance/art band KLF were awarded Best British Group (shared with Simply Red) and were booked to open the show. In an attempt to hijack the event the duo hooked up with Extreme Noise Terror to perform a death metal version of the dance song 3am Eternal that allegedly prompted composer Sir Georg Solti to walk out. The performance ended with Bill Drummond firing blanks from a machine gun into the audience and an announcer stating ”KLF have left the music industry”. Producers of the show then refused to let a motorcycle courier collect the award on behalf of the band. Later, guests arriving for an after show party witnessed KLF dump a dead sheep outside the venue with the message 'I died for ewe – bon appetite' tied around its waist. KLF disbanded three months later."

Justified and ancient.

Keith

•••

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 19 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Martin goes solo

Keith

And for the record, these are the two (make that three) best words in cinema for you – Alberto De Martino. If you’ve seen just one of the great man’s oeuvre, then weep cold turkey tears that Welles, Kurosawa, Kubrick, Fellini and their ilk are noted the world's great directors.

Did they make OK Connery? Did they create Puma Man? Did they author The Man with Icy Eyes? NO!

Nick

•••

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 19 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Martin goes solo

Nick

Yes, but did Alberto De Martino direct "P.S. Your Cat Is Dead"? No he did not.

And therefore, what good is he, huh? He's no Guttenberg, my friend – not even close.

You need proof? I've got the proof, my friend, right here.


Keith

•••

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 19 February 2006
SUBJECT: Re: Martin goes solo

Keith


Damn that Guttenberg. He’s a trump card. Now’s when’s that Police Academy remake coming out?

Johnsons, Johnsons as far as the eye could see.

Nick

Bastard, chicken infidel, bastard

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 19 February 2006
SUBJECT: I'd like it extra crispy please

Nick

Trying really hard to understand this headline, but failing miserably:

"Angry protesters burn down a KFC outlet in Pakistan over cartoons satirising the Prophet Muhammad, reports say."

Why? It's not Denmark owned or run, nor it is a newspaper defending the right to free speech It's not even defending the right to free chicken, which frankly I am behind 100%. It's a US company and the Americans are staying very quiet on the whole subject. Was it the colonel? Did he do something wrong? Was his secret recipe of herbs and spices somehow blasphemous? Or was it the fact that he is now represented in cartoon form and that all cartoons must now be made to pay the price for the insulting activity of the infidels?

Keith

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 19 February 2006
SUBJECT: I'd like it extra crispy please

Keith
Maybe it wasn't the famous KFC but a cheap knockoff. Maybe they thought it stood for something else – yes, that seems like a perfectly logical explanation. Maybe they thought that the cartoon chicken was offensive and was standing up for free clucking and therefore they burnt that mother down.

Nick

To: Nick
From: Keith
Sent: 19 February 2006
SUBJECT: I'd like it extra crispy please

Nick

You think that’s worrying. Our whole way of life is in jeopardy and I don’t mean that the questions are the answers. This is a scary story

MPs to ban drinking in all pubs by 2007

MPs have voted for a ban on drinking in all English
pubs, clubs and private members' establishments by a
huge majority.
In a landmark free vote, the Commons agreed to extend
the ban to private members' clubs by 384 votes to 184,
a majority of 200.
Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt said she had been
swayed by arguments in the report stage debate on the Health Bill.
“I believe we all have an individual rights but the
reports on secondary drinking were very worrying,”
said the Health Secretary. “Secondhand drinking can
cause ugly people to take advantage of better looking drunk people for sex and this is something we just can’t have in our society.”
After Cabinet divisions on the issue and the threat of
a backbench revolt, MPs were offered a free vote and
Ms Hewitt moved to ban drinking in all pubs, with a
possible exemption for private clubs. The rule does not extend to MPs,
who are at liberty to drink, smoke, shoot horse and hit the pipe whenever the need arises.
It was Public Health Minister Caroline Flint who tabled the successful amendment to include private members' clubs in the ban. The government will move to propose a bill on banning all eating in restaurants in the summer, followed by its controversial no gear changing in cars bill.

Keith

To: Keith
From: Nick
Sent: 19 February 2006
SUBJECT: I'd like it extra crispy please

Keith

And if that’s not bad enough, You'll be thrilled to know that alcohol will soon be sold with health warnings, so the joke's on you buddy because it's going to be juice and water all round in the next few years. At which point, I expect a rise in secret "jazz" clubs serving "tea" to wealthy patrons. Now where'd I leave that top hat?